I think I may have figured it out, which is good, because dying of anything liver-related doesn't sound very appealing. Especially if I suffocated beneath a gargantuan pile of goose liver. I'm dancing around this a bit, because I am every stupid cliche there is, including this one:
An alcoholic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm also an idiot for not realizing or acknowledging it sooner. Drinking every night is so normal for most of the people I know--and I can't say there's anything wrong with it. But a little over a year ago, I started drinking a little earlier each day. Five. Four. Three. Two. Nine. Not sure when the big leap backwards happened, but it's been at least since May now that I've woken up and had beer with my coffee, skipped breakfast in order to get a better buzz going, and maintained a pretty steady momentum throughout the remainder of the day. Then my body would wake me up around two am, needing just a little more so that I could sleep.
I haven't been sober for more than twenty-four hours yet. Last night, towards the end of my 24th sober hour, my body started cramping. I started to cry, couldn't stop shaking, couldn't think of anything except the beer in the fridge (you may be wondering why it was there...well, I'd had guests the previous night, and picked up a twelve-pack for "them."), and I had to have it. So I did. I had one. Just one. That soothed my system enough to get me off the floor and into a hot shower. From there, I was okay. I was able to sleep for a few hours, until I started needing again, at which point I stayed the fuck in bed, held onto Liam like a life raft, and shook and trembled my way through the rest of the night, and well into the morning.
But now, this morning, I'm sitting at the Sunrise Cafe again. Got dressed. Got up. Got myself here. Still sober. Meeting with my sponsor--a much older woman, which was important to me--at 4 today, after which we'll head over to the women's AA meeting, after which I'll hopefully go home and have some tea. Maybe even some sex. Blocks of time right now are things I have to fill with something, anything, besides "the usual."
I lost my job last week. Bit of a wake-up call, you know?
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oh dear. i was afraid of that, but didn't think i had much of a place to say anything, you being smarter than me and the one with direct access to your brain and all. but you didn't like that job anyway, right?
i just plugged in your ipod and noticed for the first time that "all is on" is your way of writing your name with spaces. it was a proud moment.
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