The inconvenience of hipocrisy

A lot of folks complain about other folks being "two-faced." But what does that mean, anyway? There are plenty of worthwhile people in the world, and a great many of them simply don't get along. I don't necessarily consider myself to be one of those "worthwhile" people, but I nonetheless don't feel the need to put up with complete asshattery from someone I know marginally at best, just because I have to be around them on occasion. I confess, I'll do an obligatory amount of sucking up to authority figures, but I prefer to at least rib them about the fact that I'm sucking up when I do it. And there are people who I find a bit distasteful for a number of reasons, but have no cause to be overtly rude or unkind to them. They get the cordial chitchat and the smile and the sincere, if superficial compliment ("Nice ___ you're wearing today." Or, "You look really ____ in that ____."). It's not that this sort of compliment isn't genuine--quite the contrary; if I see something pretty, I'll tell the person who possesses it. I don't think that superficial compliments are passed around often enough. However, it's often the case that I simply have nothing else to say to the person, so I'll look for something nice to say in order to pass the time. That doesn't seem like it would make me either a villain or a wretched sycophant, right?

Then there are the people with whom I'm thrown into constant contact for one reason or another. These may be my friends, people about whom I care deeply, or they may simply be people that my friends are around often enough to seem like friends by proxy. Or maybe they're people that I work with, with whom I wouldn't necessarily spend a bunch of quality time, but who seem like perfectly reasonable, likable people worthy of consideration and respect...perhaps we just have very little in common. Hence, a slightly deeper level of polite chitchat--considerate small talk of sorts.

Now, when it comes to my real friends, I love them fiercely. And by fiercely, I mean that I will defend them tooth and nail if someone else is attacking them in any way, whether or not I am aware of some of their personal flaws. Friends are people whose personal flaws I try not to take personally. Sometimes, for whatever reason, even friends don't click in the same ways anymore. Then you just need space before a conflict develops. If it develops anyway, I'm prone to jumping on it, calling it out as a conflict, and doing my best to come to some sort of understanding. "I still care about you very much...we've just grown apart, changed as people, chosen different lifestyles, etc." These are all very palatable explanations for why people who love each other simply don't mesh anymore, but they're certainly not reasons to just cut a person off altogether. They're just causes of tension. No big deal. If there's static with a friend, I acknowledge the static, promise to do what I can to subdue it, and move on.

If I have a serious conflict with someone close to me, and it gets all big and emotional, I'm prone to saying exactly what the fuck is on my mind about how he or she has behaved, and then apologizing once I have said it, and trying to explain why I feel how I feel and why I said what I said, and what I probably shouldn't have said in spite of the fact that I felt it. Then I apologize, usually cry, and try to use it as an opportunity to become closer to the person.

Now, here's another thing altogether; it's something of which I am not necessarily proud, but that I may be nonetheless unable to change for some time. Depending upon who you are, you could call it a virtue or a serious character flaw: I don't take shit from people, regardless of who they are or how I feel about them. If someone attacks me passive-aggressively, I notice, and I respond with at least as much force and honesty as they have avoided through needling passivity. Sometimes, my paranoid streak creates explosive situations where perhaps someone wasn't intending to be passive-aggressive, but he or she said something that they should've known would set me off. In these circumstances, I try to give warnings before I completely blow my top. This applies to people with whom I am close just as much as those to whom I am indifferent. I just don't take shit from people. Trust me, I have taken enough to last me three more lifetimes. I used to be sweet, naive even, soft-spoken, and gentle. In other words, I got walked all over by nearly everyone with any personality. I was abused verbally and physically and in all sorts of ways I don't want to go into. Exploited. That sort of thing leads to rage. Rage leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side. Etc. I'm not running around attacking people, but sometimes it overflows. When does it overflow? When someone tries to give me shit. I don't take shit from people. Have I made this clear? As often as not, I've smarted the fuck off to someone I later wished I hadn't (authority figures especially). But at least I then know that they know where I stand when they do or say that particular thing that they said or did. Whatever.

Case in point: Sometimes, compassion and empathy are easier if you just go ahead and keep a respectful distance between yourself and someone with whom you clearly clash. (A thing worth noting: if you think I'm somehow referring to you, I guarantee you I am not. This person does not have access to my facebook notes at all, so if you're reading this, it isn't you. And if you're so interested in to whom I am referring, feel free to do the detective work. It's not a big secret; I just want to get this off my chest without publicizing everything in stark detail.) Over the course of the last several months, I had tried and tried to be empathetic towards a person whom I found immediately, dramatically distasteful and unlikable. It has been a long time since I met someone who so swiftly soured me to his presence, under almost any circumstance. I tried time and again to subdue the friction by reminding myself of my misanthropic tendencies, and by telling myself that perhaps this guy isn't an asshole; perhaps you just need to get to know him better. So, I tried. I tried to have conversations in groups; he would dominate and derail anyone within shouting distance. I tried to spend some one-on-one time with him; when he wasn't trying to sloppily molest my face, he was talking nonstop about himself and his own petty struggles. And not non-stop the way that I nervously blurt; I mean, really, non-stop, "Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich," [interject attempt at common ground...change of subject...hobbies, pasttimes, anything besides "Malkovich"]...."Yes, which reminds Malkovich of Malkovich Malkovich."

Eventually, I burned out. I gave up. I came to the realization that I just plain don't like this person, so I gave him a respectful amount of space in order to avoid saying, "Look, I really don't like you. I never did. Everything about you strikes me as obnoxious. Perhaps we are just too similar; I respect that possibility. But in the meantime, recognizing the similarities between us is not going to make me like you any better. All it means is that I hate the part of myself that you remind me of, and I probably always will." Instead, what happened is that I successfully avoided this person, with polite "how ya doin'" interludes...until I was thrown into a small space with him again. True to form, this person acted like an asshole to the point of trying my patience until he finally just insulted me outright, and...true to form, I told him the fuck off. I said cruel, horrible, HONEST things. But by this point, the message should have been the same as it always was: "I just don't fucking like you. Stay away from me."

And then he threatened me. He THREATENED me. This is a thing that nasty, wilted cowards do. I may be a downright vicious cunt, but I don't threaten: I act. And when I acted, he couldn't handle it, so he balked and whined and when I stood my ground with the, "Look, you were being an asshole, so I told you off; it's nothing personal--it's just what I do when I'm around assholes," he began threatening me. And, as is so often the case, he did not want the truth. The truth was so simple: I think he's an asshole. He got in my face with his assholery, and I told him he was being an asshole. I guess that makes me an asshole. Nonetheless, I am through with this person. I am completely fed the fuck up, and I think I may have learned a lesson. Perhaps a respectful amount of distance is often preferable to what eventually, (after no small energy expenditure oh my brothers), begins to verge on red-eyed hatred and disgust. No, I don't hate him. But I could. The son of a bitch threatened me.

Please, friends, if I ever get in your face or tell you off for being an asshole, just tell me off in turn or smack me in the face. Seriously. Cut me off completely; tell the world that I'm a terrible cunt and your nemesis and whatever else you want to do. But don't threaten me. It spurs me to action.