Evil.

It isn't obscure. It isn't romantic. It isn't even dark, let alone intriguing, as most folks over the course of history seem to think. It is transparent. We as a species over-identify with it because it is the easiest thing to understand. Monstrosity is something at which we feign shock. The fact is that even the simplest creatures with claws and fangs can cause suffering. We just give it a new face and call it art.

The lesser, lower half of human existence is the basest form. Torture, murder, cannibalism: all of these make perfect sense in their own instinctual respects.

Mercy? That one puzzles me. Revenge makes perfect sense. It's there in the Old Testament for all to see and read. It is given shape by Adam and Eve--i.e. blame the other. Cain and Abel: destroy the weaker and feign ignorance. War, war, war. That's the low road. You take it, and I'll be in Scotland before you.

I want to think about Jesus and the Christian message, but all I keep coming up with as an invocation is Al Pacino in "Scent of a Woman."

"All my life, I knew the right path. Without exception, I knew. But I never took it. You know why? Because it was too damned hard."

Being good is complicated. Goodness is complicated. It's more difficult to put your finger on what makes a person "good" than what makes them "bad" or "rotten." And yes, I am of the opinion that most people are rotten, evil bastards--myself included. But only because of a lack of thought about what it means to be truly GOOD. Kind. What it means to have a heart.

Sometimes I don't think my heart can take this anymore.

It's only been six months since I slit my wrists (and oh, no pussy-ass halfway scars for me. See attached photo)...and I thought I had learned my lesson. But then I get here again and remember how exhausting it is, trying to figure out what "good" means, when "bad" is always the simple answer. It's like essay versus multiple choice, and your eternal soul (whatever the fuck that is) depends upon your score. Are you going to go with essay or multiple choice? Who the fuck reads those things anyway?