"The sea, it swims like a sore head
and the night is aching;
two lovers lie with no sheets on their bed,
and the day it is breaking..."

Angry with everything. Wishing for lightning, anything, to split the sky and just set the chaos loose--take it out of my head.

Fucking Monday. Struggled all day to keep these emotions under, and now once I'm finally home they all break and slap the surface like so many cold waves of tension. Why now? Safer not to pretend I'm okay, once I'm away from people I may like, but in front of whom I cannot cry. Everything is turning inward, including destructive urges.

"Did I disappoint you? Leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love,
and you want me to go without..."

Psychotic pervert. Villain. Professor. Professed Mentor. Professional Tormentor.

"LOVE IS A TEMPLE, LOVE THE HIGHER LAW!
You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl."

Blood in the tips of my fingers, between my temples, on my tongue where I chew it...furious, roaring, and ultimately powerless. Fuck this fucking feeling. Fuck it. Write it out. Ride it out. Slap of a snare drum steady in my chest.

Cigarettes, beer, xanax...shoot up smack, poison as antidote. Why take responsibility for our feelings? Who wants to? Drown...drown...drown.

"A vampire, or a victim;
it depends on who's around."

Let it out! Kill the beast! Take up arms against the terrorists! I feel this tidal flood of panic and hate rushing and eddying outside, licking my doorstep and windowsills...promising to pull me into its undertow if I don't swim with the stream. Manic waves of fear and loathing. And why?

"Well, it's all in your mind...it's all in your mind..."

one love. one. blood.

taken. given. burned out from exhaustion, buried in the hail, poisoned in the bushes and blown out on the trail.

Tell me something. Tell me one thing. How much is a woman supposed to take? Tell me. How much?

"All she can. All she can."

Why? Why? Why? Why?